Navigating the Endlessly Confusing Low Fodmap Diet

Who knew that cheese doesn't really contain lactose?

I ask the waiter whether the food contains garlic. Their eyes widen and they look concerned. ‘Do you have an allergy?’, they ask.

‘Well, it could be an intolerance. But it probably isn’t. I’ve currently been advised not to eat it, but it’s probably fine. I used to eat it every day and I’m going to be reintroducing it next week anyway. I definitely won’t die if I accidentally have some. But I‘d rather not. Especially as I have plans for tomorrow…’

This is the long-winded response I want to give, though I usually instead respond with an apologetic shrug and mumble ‘not really….’, before asking them to check anyway, if they please wouldn’t mind.

I’ve been on a ‘low FODMAP’ diet for about three months of this year. I know that Fodmaps are a group of carbs and google / a leaflet the NHS posted tells me the word stands for Fermentable Oligo- Di- Mono-saccharides And Polyols, though I still don’t know what this really means. I do know that it involves avoiding wheat, lactose, beans, lentils, garlic, onions, honey, numerous fruits and vegetables (apples, peaches, avocadoes, mushrooms, peas), and more. Thankfully, the long-term goal isn’t to avoid all these foods forever, but to slowly reintroduce them one group at a time to try and figure out what (if anything) might be causing problems.

Cooking for myself isn’t too bad, though has involved some extensive weaning as I realised that my previous diet was almost entirely made up of toast, pasta laced with onion and garlic, hummus and chickpea and lentil curries or stews. All of this was washed down with numerous mugs of very milky tea. Consequently, I’ve become creative with rice (including wasting £15 on a rice cooker that is totally useless), realised that lactose-free milk tastes virtually the same (but is sadly twice the price), learned that most cheese doesn’t contain lactose anyway (!), and eaten a lot of Nairn’s gluten free ginger oat biscuits.

It is harder to follow when I am not cooking my own food. The list of foods I am trying to avoid is expansive, vague and seemingly contradictory. How do you explain that you can eat oats, but not oat milk, or conversely that you can have almond milk but not too many almonds? Or that you can eat the green part of a spring onion (but not the white part), or that bananas are fine as long as they are not too ripe?

I feel torn between undermining my previous meticulous meal planning with a Fodmap blow out, or staring hungrily at others eating birthday cake but not joining in.  Restaurant staff, friends and family have been lovely and accommodating, going out of their way to put something on the table which I can eat, though I still feel like a nuisance sharing my long and confusing list of forbidden foods with them. Being cooked for - either in a restaurant or by a friend - is a privilege and a delight, so this is clearly not the worst problem to have. It’s also a pretty irrelevant right now during lockdown 2.0.

I’m currently fumbling through the reintroduction phase, trialling different foods, crossing my fingers and waiting to see what happens. And if all else fails, did I mention that cheese doesn’t usually contain lactose?

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